Suspended

Today Zach would have turned 19. He has been gone for two and a half years. He was just starting to grow whiskers on his face when he was diagnosed, and they were just starting to come back before the end.  Would he have a grown a beard? A moustache?  Mutton chops?  I can only imagine and can't do anything more.  All is know is the 19 year old he would be, would be very different from 16.  Or at least I think he would be.  I can't know.  I. Will. Never. Know.

I can only let my assumptions take hold.  He was just settling in to himself before his world, his life, his love, his smile was ripped away from us all. Like every year at this time, I have to ask myself, what would he be like, what would our lives be like if none of it ever happened. 

• At this point, he may have been close to graduating high school. 

• Maybe he would be searching for a summer job. 

• Maybe he was going to go to college next year.

• Maybe he wouldn't have been ready and needed some more prep. 

• Maybe he wasn't going to go to college and he wanted to work.

• Maybe, but hopefully not, he would just want to come and hide from the cruel world by only playing and watching video games.

• Maybe he would have gone to prom. 

• Maybe he would have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. 

• Maybe he would have deepened the friendships he had just formed when he was 15 and really bonded with his peers.

• Maybe he would have continued to make progress against his social and emotional challenges. 

• His life was suspended.  Our lives have forever been suspended.

The past tense of the word suspend, suspended, is officially defined as to have stopped temporarily or to hold in an undetermined or undecided state awaiting further information.  At first glance, we have to throw out the temporary condition when looking at his life, because it clearly stopped. As much as we would love him to be here, to somehow come back, that isn't going to happen. I guess that means his life was temporary. It was certainly far from permanent. But for me, that suspension feels very permanent.  Maybe it's even more of an expulsion. 

Many people think of suspension, and instantly go to school in their minds. They think of being suspended for behavior or actions so you miss school for a few days. Others may think of being suspended in mid air, or some other thing you can be stuck in suspension. But either way, here I am, with Zach's life, his future, stuck where it was. And that means my life, our family is, in many ways, stuck where it was. So all I can do, while I'm hanging there, is to try to move forward as much as I can and turn our memories and grief into action.

Zach, on your 19th birthday, in spite of all the unknowns, the nevers, the maybes, my suspended view of you allows me to hold you close and dear. You inspire me every day, and the fact that you are suspended frequently brings me to tears, even now after two and half years. We miss you each and every day and work so hard to try to honor you and help others. So many others are doing that too. From giving blood, to speaking about you to countless others, to sharing memories, to helping others in their cancer journeys, to just being better people.  For that and so many other reasons we wish you a happy birthday, and know that so many are remembering you, loving you, celebrating you - today and every day.

Even though you are stuck in midair, waiting for the youtube video of your life to stop buffering, you inspire us and motivate us. You are leaving a rich, deep legacy of love, compassion and support. 

Even as we work to keep moving forward, we will never be suspended.  But what we don't know about you, your life, and how you would have impacted the world and our family, we also will never be unsuspended.  We hold all that you were and are as close and clear as we can.  But we will always ask what if you weren't suspended. What if we weren't suspended? 

Zach your life has been suspended.  But your legacy is not, and it will never be.  We have a plan to honor you. We're figuring out how we can help others going through what we did.  We're pushing forward and making progress. We have a lot of extremely exciting things going on the nonprofit we started to honor you and help others - Zach's Bridge - and feel that that next phase, even though Zach your life is suspended, is about to truly start.

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There are many ways to honor Zach today and every day.  Please don't feel obligated in any way,because all we ask is your love and support - but one of the best ways to do honor Zach, is to help us with Zach's Bridge via a donation.

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If you've been reading this blog since it started in January of 2021, you know that I tend to use music to relate to where I am and how I think and feel. My song for this moment is from a 1980's superstar. In 1991, as his hits dried up, he was dropped from his record label.  So he wrote the song below, about waiting for the next phase to begin.  He didn't necessarily know what it was or how he was going to get there, but he knew he would.

What's that song?  Its Waiting for My Real Life to Begin by Colin Hay (from the band Men at Work)  You can listen and see the lyrics below.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow, and feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
But don't you understandI already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Just let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh, so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
Oh, I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day, I can see, see for a long way
On a clear day, I can see, see for a long way